


Drowning

by orphan_account



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Canonical Character Death, F/F, Post-Endgame
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-08
Updated: 2019-09-08
Packaged: 2020-10-12 15:09:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 827
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20566403
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Carol thought she'd never be able to breathe again after the final battle.Her mind had other plans.





	Drowning

Sometimes, she still sees her.

She isn't there long enough that she can be considered a ghost, yet she feels too real to be called a hallucination. It's like....memories. Memories that Carol never got to witness. They're small moments, unimportant moments. Like when she gets up in the morning to make herself breakfast and Nat walks by with a peanut butter sandwich. Or when she's sitting on the couch and Nat's relaxed against her side.

She's not real, Carol knows that. But it makes the heartache in her chest vanish for a second. Only to come crashing down twice as hard when she disappears again. But for a second, she can breath, and Carol thinks that's the whole reason she moved into Avenger's compound to begin with.

Steve had suggested it. Told her there was always room for her, whenever she wanted it. Carol had refused at first, but after spending several nights in stinky motel rooms with a sore throat, she found herself in New York once again.

For over twenty years she hadn't had a home. Earth had been merely flashes of a past she couldn't remember, and there were too many planets out there that needed saving that she never had any reason to stay on one in particular.

But with Natasha it was different. After the snap, she was just as lonely as she was. Especially when the only friends she had left started leaving one at a time. Carol didn't know what compelled her to keep visiting the red-head over and over, but she did. Carol saw loneliness in her eyes that she saw in her own whenever she looked at her reflection. Perhaps that was why she kept coming back.

Or maybe it was the warmth in her chest whenever Natasha curled up to her side and pressed a soft kiss against the side of her face.

But all of that was gone now. Memories and a burning ache in her chest the only reminder that any of it happened at all. At least, that's what she thought.

Moving into the Avenger's compound, Carol found many pieces of Natasha and her presence still there. From the documents she had left lying around, to sticky notes on the fridge, to T-shirts on the floor. It all reminded Carol of the red-head. And honestly? Carol thought that was the worst.

But it got so much worse.

Natasha had been her home, been her reason to keep coming back to earth. Had been her reason to keep fighting the good battle. Because at the end of the day, there was someone to go home to. Someone that needed her just as much as she needed _her_

And then it was all gone - A house without a home. A home without Natasha was no home at all. Just an empty shell of what it once was.

"I need to stop seeing you." Carol mutters as Natasha stands in the door opening of the bathroom. She can see her in the reflection of the mirror, but Natasha isn't looking at her at all. Again, it's like a memory that isn't hers.

Natasha smiles briefly, turns around and vanishes completely. Carol instantly feels her chest ache and a hard lump form in her throat. She can't breathe for a good few seconds, then takes in a deep breathe and pushes herself away from the sink and back into the bedroom.

She doesn't know why she moved into _Nat's_ room of all of them - but it just feels natural. After all, they had shared the same bed countless times. Sometimes with frisky intent, sometimes with soft whispers and silent declarations of love.

But it hurts. God, does it _Hurt_.

It _hurts_ when she picks out a shirt from the closet, holds it to her face, and it smells like Nat. It _hurts_ when she washes her hair only to realise the white substance in her hair isn't hers, but Nat's shampoo. It _hurts_ when she's watching a movie and Nat is merely a memory of what once was.

It hurts when she leans down to kiss her, and she isn't there.

God it _hurts_

Sometimes Carol considers just ending it all. Photon blasting herself in the chest should do it, right? Would it? Regardless, she knows she can't. There's many planets out there that still need Captain Marvel. Many countries, cities, people.

_She_ still needs Captain Marvel. To keep the people save. Keep the people she gave her life for save. 

So Carol grits her teeth again and gets dressed, ignoring the memory of Natasha sitting on the couch in front of the tv and watching cartoons as she walks by to get breakfast. She bares it.

Because there's still people out there that need her - Nat still needs her. And Carol? Carol still needs her too. Even if it's just a memory of her.

Even if it just helps her breathe for a good few seconds.

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this at 5 am and i h8


End file.
